Letting Go Was The Hardest Part
Thoughts were rushing through my mind. I was having trouble trying to decipher the moments of my reality and the figments within my dreams. The ringing of my phone daunting me as I sat there in silence in my car. I knew I had to pick it up eventually, I just didn't want to face it quite yet. Your picture flashing across my screen over and over again. In a way as if it is to torture me for what I was about to do.
I inhale deeply before answering the phone call. Tears have already welled up in my coffee brown eyes as I heard his voice "Hello baby." There is a small crack in my voice as I respond back with a shaky "Hello." He instantly knew something was wrong with me. No questions asked other than a "Lovebug are you okay? Whats wrong?" Me being the person that I am kept telling him that I was okay even though deep down I knew perfectly well that I was not.
In the course of a thirty minute phone call I left my lover. The man that became my best friend. The man I never thought I could live my life without. The man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had broke him into a million pieces and it killed me knowing that I did. He begged me to stay and to give him another chance and that he would work on what was wrong but I was nothing but cold and numb. All I could manage to keep saying was that I'm sorry and that I wasn't quite sure on what else to say unfortunately.
The rest of the night was a blur. The next 48 hours were incomprehensive. Why did I do it? Why did it hurt so much when it was my own decision to make. I still don't have full answers for it. It wasn't like he had been a complete terrible person to me. It wasn't like he did a lot of bad things. It was more of the little things that weren't being done that i took to heart the most. The little things that hurt the most. That would start the stupidest most unneeded arguments between the two of us. The insecurities we would both have combining together making it like a war. To the point it drove me away and i didn't feel anything anymore.
I broke a promise to him that I swore I would never break and now I have to learn to let him go. To not think about every adventure we had ever been on. To not think about the soft blue glow in his eyes he would get when ever I would laugh. To not think about how his smile would shine brightest once he knew I was okay and happy. To not think about every hug, kiss, touch, and text or call ever made between us. I had to try and forget the little love notes he would write me to make sure I had a good day. I chose to see all the bad over all the good and for that i feel like a terrible person.
As I tried to let go all these things as a way to officially let him go, I was very reckless. Did some things I probably shouldn't of done. Let's just say I will not be doing anything out of the ordinary any time soon. He used to be my anchor inside my storm. The one who would keep me grounded and now it was just nothing. I know I keep saying it as if I was the one being hurt by him but I was hurt by myself. I hurt the man I love because I thought I was doing good for myself when in reality I just made things worse for me.
Within the 48 hours before we talked again I would start texts and delete them over and over again. I would keep crying and wouldn't stop. I kept breaking myself more and more by staring at the pictures in my camera roll pr going back over our messages we had shared. I reread a letter I had written him and that tore me up even more. I almost wanted to set it all on fire so I wouldn't have to stare at it anymore but I couldn't bring myself to it. I had loved him way to much even though I couldn't bring myself to admit it.
In those 48 hours I learned if you love someone you let them go but if they comer back it was meant to be and this is what I will hold close to my heart for all of eternity.